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Sunday night we walked into our church for a prayer and praise night. People were sharing scriptures through prayer, and reading through the word as we felt lead. Coming to the meeting, it just felt like an event that I was just attending… but as we came in and began worshipping God, I had a sense that he wanted to speak to me, and so I asked him to open up my heart to whatever he had for me.

“I wait for the LORD, my soul

waits,

and in his word I put my

hope.

My soul waits for the Lord

more than watchmen wait

for the morning,

more than watchmen wait for

the morning.

Psalm 130:5-6

Someone begins reading this, and I know…. I know it’s for me! I hear the Lord asking me to give him my plans. He knows I want another child, he hears my desires. I hear him ask me if I trust him? Lily, Do you believe I am able? Do you believe I am powerful? Do you believe I am sovereign? And as I feel small like a little child next to my strong caring father, I hear him asking me to trust him! It’s like he is saying please be patient and wait for me, stop making your plans and wait for me! I instantly become emotional realizing what it is that I am doing… this making my own plans once again. And my heart is beating fast, feeling grateful for my God who cares for little me in this big world.

Next,

we split into groups so that we can share our own requests and pray, I instantly think “Oh no, I don’t want to share what’s going on in my heart right now! My heart is just stirring, I’m not even sure what to say, and yet the Holy Spirit is prompting me. We pray for someone else, and my heart only beats faster. Everyone is quiet for what was only a few seconds but what felt like minutes, and I am not going to say ANYTHING… well… TJ spoke up and said “You know, we would really desire another child! I feel like we need to pray for this” I’m thinking, what? Why is he saying this now? So random… apparently not, the Holy Spirit knew! When he said that, I spoke up, and just shared what God was doing in my heart just moments before and what I feel like he was asking of me, mainly to give up my plans to him and trust him. So… they prayed for us. We begin singing more worship songs, and our Pastor comes up (who was not in our little prayer group) to us and says “Would it be okay if we prayed for you as a church concerning your desire for another child? … you want another child If I’m understanding right?” We say “Yes, we would love that!” Thinking, is this a joke? Three couples from our church were brought to the front. Everyone laid hands on us. Some people felt specific things they were burdened to pray for us, and did. Goodness… I cried a little throughout this time. What a big God we serve, and wow do we feel loved by our church, to be sensitive enough to the Holy Spirit and to each member to pray so specifically for intimate details of our lives.

God was doing something, and as we walked away from this powerful night I struggled to actually know what to do next. But what you must know is that we once again made a plan really apart from the Lord. We got new information and thought… we’re gonna run forward and try for a baby, and plan on a due date! Have we not learned? Have we not figured out how to lean on God? Goodness… I am so thankful God leads us, and doesn’t leave us in the dark to guess what we’re supposed to be doing. He has always been so clear with us! I just think we do not deserve this, and yet he just keeps communicating, keeps loving, keeps pursuing us. I love Him so much!

We have a natural doctor lady we go to, she finds the root of the health problem and works from the bottom up. She is also a very close friend of ours, she sees me for free as a ministry to TJ and I. I Love her! She’s almost like a mother away from my mother :). We also have this other friend who is very health conscious and does a lot of her own studying in the health world, she and I Have been getting together, talking about different options but I wasn’t really ready to discuss the options until God changed my heart.

Well The three of us women got together, and they basically wanted to convince me that the progesterone, aspirin, folic acid approach wasn’t going to be the best for me and why. I sat in my chair listening to all the information and explaining ‘this’ in the body and ‘that’ and how this works and that works, while fighting in my heart with myself just wanting to do this thing I WANT TO DO! I felt like it was going to be so easy!! I can do these 3 things… 1, 2, 3… easy peasy for my whole pregnancy, I can get what I want and move on.

What was brought to light as we talked, and as she tested me for several things, there were things in my body that needed help, that need fixing, and if I try to have a baby right now without fixing the root of the problem I’m going to pass these things to my child as well as make my own issues more serious than they are already were. My doctor friend let me know she has been praying and praying for me, and has been asking the Holy Spirit to change my heart and if my heart was going to be changed it was going to be him doing it! I wanted to run away the entire time, I wanted to go dig a hole and bury my head in it!

Instead of taking an aspirin a day to change my blood temporarily and create more problems, my blood can actually be changed naturally and actually fix real problems. How long does it take to “Change my blood?” 121 days.

I cried the drive home, and when I got home, I started sharing with TJ, and cried in his arms for a while. God was breaking me, and yet it feels right to be broken and trusting rather than confident in myself and not trusting… how odd! You know it is in these moments where my heart breaks for those that have either rejected God or havn’t had the chance to know him. He is so very present in my life and in my heart, there is no proving he does not exist, because he is sooooo Alive it is amazing!

So, this other friend that came with me to my doctor friend, her and her husband feel burdened by God to support us in this venture, basically they want to pay for me to “build my blood” in 121 days, and do what it takes to get me in a good place, they are even willing to send whatever supplements I need to Africa for me. What a good God we have! He doesn’t just say “no, don’t go down that path!” He shows me where he wants me and how he wants to provide for me!

We have been praying for confirmation that this is what he wants, but as I write this story I can see his hand in everything, I can see it clearly!

My tendency is to want some concrete answers, how will I know by body is ready? How will I know my blood is better? How do I know this is the best way? How will I know this won’t be trial and error with making a baby? My answer from God? Just trust me for today and do not worry about tomorrow.

But seek first his kingdom and

his righteousness,

and all these things will be given to you as well.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow,

for tomorrow will worry about itself.

Each day has enough trouble of it’s own.

Matthew 6:33-34

We were at our Pastor’s house last night and I was talking to Kim (wife) about all this, and she shared some moments from her own experience, and how in the midst of her circumstances she was only thinking about herself, always wanting God to help her right now, and she realized she had never asked God what he wanted?

And it dawned on me, have I thought to ask God what he wants? What a perspective change! God, how do you want to use me? What is it that YOU want? We are only in a place of being ready to hear God when we are broken and humbled before him. I thank God for getting through to me, for breaking me so I can hear him, so I can love even more!

As far as changing my my blood in 121 days? I’m on day 3. As far as God changing my heart? The days cannot be numbered.