tjandlily.com

(I wrote this while listening to pandora’s “Jon Foreman” radio, so if you want the full effect, listen while you read 🙂

I love this guy more than words can say. He is my rock (sometimes an emotional rock, but still a rock 😉

Life, Expectations, dreams… there is so much that we expect from life.  When we get married we expect to be committed for life to our spouse, when we get pregnant we expect to be bringing a little baby into the world.  when we plant a tree we expect it to grow, when someone says they are coming over for dinner, we cook for them.  With the expectations comes hopes and dreams, and when they are cut short we are disappointed to say the least.  Then what?  Where do we go now?  What do we do with the lost hopes and dreams?

As you know we lost Nola at 20 weeks last October, expectations cut short.  God did miracles in our hearts and drew us closer to him, and we are changed forever.  After this traumatic experience we were not completely sure whether we wanted to try again.  We longed for another little life to care for, but not sure we wanted to put our hearts in such a vulnerable place again.

When getting back to Florida in January, my “country doctor”  and I did everything we could to detox my body, to get rid of toxins and chemicals, and make ready for a new inhabitant.  We tried for another, jumping in again believing God will take care of us and give us another baby.  Well…  we got pregnant again… he gave us another baby.  My desire to tell the world was not there because my innocence was gone.  The expectations were slashed once, I wasn’t going to jump into the unknown with my eyes closed again.  I didn’t want to be too excited I didn’t want to get too attached you know what I mean?  Making myself vulnerable to the world when I’m not sure exactly what is going to happen, yet believing God for the best.  The thing is that I did fall in love with this baby too, no matter how hard I tried to not attach myself, this little love was growing inside me.  It felt healing to be pregnant, and if you have ever experienced anything like this, you know what I mean!  Even with the tiredness and nausea, it was a delight to be pregnant.

Fast forward 5 weeks.  TJ was in North Dakota for a week working.  The morning my pregnancy was 9 weeks along, I noticed some spotting, which continued throughout the day, I wanted to believe it was going to be okay, but in my heart of hearts I knew this baby was not going to meet the world either.  This day was hard because my brother and sister in-law Del and Arielle were coming home from Africa after being there for 2 years!  I had been busy getting they’re house together, and ready for them to come.   TJ texted me encouragements throughout the day, reminding me who God is and what he has done in our lives, that He is the same God who has brought us through thick and thin, the God that has provided for our every need, and many miracles in our lives.

When they arrived at the airport my day was already tainted because of what was going on with me.  We (me and the girls) spent the day with them, and then brought them to they’r house they will be renting.  We spent a little time at the house, showing them around and letting them explore their new home for 9 months.  After a bit, we were all getting ready to leave, me back to my house, Arielle and Del up to her parent’s house for the night.  But before leaving I ran to the bathroom, only to realize I was in fact miscarrying the baby.  I came out of the bathroom to everyone outside but Arielle standing in the front door hallway waiting for me.  I began to cry, and told her what happened, Del came in and hugged me, as well as my mom.  We all stood in the hallway crying together, while Bruce and Darcy (Arielle’s parents) played with all 4 kids outside.  As I was sobbing I told Del and Arielle “Welcome Home!”  They said “Lily, we would have much rather been here for you through this, than not”  And I can see that God had them (and my mom) here for me, especially since TJ was gone.

More than ever I am screaming out to God “WHY?!!!”  You may say how could God do this?  What is he doing?  Well, I don’t think he “did” this at all.  Bad things happen.  And you could say bad things happen to good people, but none of us are good, we have all sinned against a Holy God, and that’s just the gist of it…  because we live in a sinful world, these things happen.  That doesn’t mean God doesn’t grieve with us and understand our suffering.  He very much understands our suffering, and he doesn’t ask us to suffer alone.  But just because God didn’t “do” this doesn’t mean he is going to DO something with it.  “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” Rom 8:28 ..  So the truth is that NOTHING goes unused.

As I contemplate this situation we’re in, even though I feel upset and frustrated, and completely unsure as to what to do next?  My desire is to keep my eyes open, to see what I can see… asking God to reveal more of himself to me, to use this in some way… who knows, maybe it will be 10 years before I see God using this.  A good friend said to me “I look forward to meeting your family in heaven”  I have 4 kids, my desire is that they will all end up in heaven. I pray that they will all put their trust in Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of their sins.  I was talking to another friend, and I was sharing the shame I feel, she shared a similar experience of feeling shame as well… why is that?  What are we feeling shame for?  Whether we are in the midst of loosing a baby or just unable to have children, I think it’s something that Satan puts on us women, he wants us to hide our pain so that we feel like we are all alone in this, he wants us to keep our heads down and not say a word.    The shame comes from feeling like as a woman I should be able to grow a baby perfectly, and as I look at the women around me who aren’t having issues I think I’m the only one who can’t do this, but as we are living in this sinful world there are many women experiencing the loss of a dream and feeling like it’s their fault.   Well I just want to say “HELL No”  to you Satan… You have no place here in my life, and in the lives of women who know Christ!  Do not believe his lies because they are only lies.  Know that God can use even your pain to further his name, and that there is  no room for shame!    

As I look at my girls I see that they are miracles.  The process of fertilization and the growth of a baby inside the womb, it is a complete miracle, and lets remember that Satan has never had the ability to create anything, and hates that about us, the more reason he desires to shame us!  So I ask God for a miracle, I am asking God for one more little miracle child.

I asked TJ the other day, “What do we do when our fears come to fruition?”  No matter how hard, and how difficult it is to understand all of this, we trust God!  God continues to ask us to trust him, and more than ever I feel like a mere human in need of a great God.  I beg of you to please realize your need for him.  If your reading this and wondering how you can have peace in the midst of your storm don’t hesitate to ask God to reveal himself to you, and if he’s asking you to fall on your face before him, and give up yourself for him, please do it because he is so worth it!  He is more than worth it, when everything else in your life is gone, he will be the only thing left that you have.

I so Love and appreciate these two girls!

If you’re wondering how to pray, pray for the strength to move on with what God has called us to, pray that we would be guarded against depression (and shame) as hard as that is to say.  Pray that we will keep our eyes on him, and that most of all God would be glorified.  I am also praying that God would bless us with another child, as I ask for that I know it can be a selfish desire, but it is a desire nonetheless, and I believe God wants to know.  I also want God to give me the desires of his heart.  Thank you for your faithful prayers on our behalf, we appreciate you more than you know!!!