Surrendering My Plans

Wow what a week. There has been some really big highs and some really big lows, from one day to the next we never know what is going to occur in our lives. God is stretching me, he is literally bringing me to the end of myself, and I’m not sure what he wants me to do. Do you ever get there, where you feel like you have done all you can do, and then you say “God what the hell do you want me to do now?!” I realize I just swore, however God is usually one of the few who ever gets to hear me swear.

Awesome Women’s retreat!

I got the opportunity to attend a Women’s retreat with Tollhouse Church at Hume Lake this past weekend which came at a timely moment for me. I realize I’m being vague, that’s because I don’t want to give you all the details this time… sorry! But I still want to share my heart. I am sensing that I need a perspective change and also that I’m not trusting God with every area of my life, and THAT has been revealed to me.

He’s asking me to surrender my plans to him, to surrender my fears, and areas of my heart that haven’t been given over yet. It feels hard. When my heart hurts and when I’m in the middle of a struggle it’s hard to see out, it’s hard to catch a glimpse of my path and where I’m supposed to go. I want God to be clear, I want him to have a heart to heart audible conversation with me. Ava asked us in the car the other day, “Why doesn’t God talk out loud?” She asks a lot of questions like that, her 4 year old mind has a lot to be curious about, and I love that about her! Sometimes I do just want him right in front of me so I can have it out with him!! Sometimes I want to argue and I want to fight! I want to understand why he causes me pain and why he is making me walk this path… and I know it’s not all his fault or whatever, I know all the right answers, and truthfully, I know he hears me! Sometimes I feel like he’s asking a lot of me when he asks me to give to him the things that matter most to me… but then I remember that he gave what mattered most to Him, his Son. And all of the sudden I understand and I get that he loves me, that he sees me, that he hears me, that he wants all of me. That’s just it he wants all of me! So maybe at this point, I’m asking God to give me the STRENGTH to hand over my plans, my fears, my expectations, my hopes, and my dreams. If I can truly give these things to him in every area of my life, what would that look like? I’m not exactly sure because I haven’t done it yet, I Let you know 😉

Thanks for reading my rant, I’m so glad that I know the Lord, and that he is my light and my salvation! God you are my rock!