tjandlily.com

Okay, so I’ve been processing the past few weeks of my life, and as I’ve sat down several times to write I have a hard time putting words down. I have already erased a few paragraphs the past few days so here we go again. 🙂

A few weeks before finding out about Nola I did a little study with a few friends on the question Jesus asks in John 1:35-39, he asks “What do you want?” And we dove deeper into that question to just see where is my heart? What do I want in life? What do I want from God? What do I desire? What are the longings of my heart? And no matter what these things are, God wants to know them, he wants us to share that with him, he wants to work through those things with us what ever they are! And as I was reading in my journal back on this day when we dove into this question… the main thing I earnestly desired was a strong relationship with the Lord. I struggled with sitting down every day to study his word, to come before him, and I felt like because of my busy life and my busy children taking all my time I had a hard time peeling out the time in my day for God, BUT none the less I desired that, and even before that questions was asked of me it has been an unreached desire for a long time.

 

Since the day I knew Nola died, the option for me to give up time with the Lord doesn’t even exist…Why would I go a day without coming before the Lord giving more opportunity for him to speak to me, to minister to me through his word, how will I experience his love and all that he can pour out on me if I’m not getting in his word. The other part of it is that I can’t survive without Him you know?

If God’s purpose for us is to glorify him, I’m wasting my precious life if I’m not spending it with him, if he’s not being glorified through me. Please understand I’m not trying to “toot my horn” if you know what I mean. I’ve had a little paradigm shift, and part of that is my need for him has become so apparent. And as I look back on this day when I spoke these desires to know Him in and deep intimate way I can say thank you to him for changing my outlook for allowing me an opportunity to know him better, to give a me a chance to realize that I can’t go a day without him.

 

When we started attending class again one of the classes we had was “Christian life” which pertained so well with things God was (is) teaching me. We studied the difference in meanings of “desires” and “goals”. The only way our goal will not get accomplished is if WE get in the way. Desires always include others in order to be accomplished, and I believe that sometimes all this takes is a mind change (other times not). Spending time with God was a desire for me and therefore generally didn’t happen.

 

However, there has been a mind change for me, spending time with God has become a goal, and I am the only one who gets in the way if it doesn’t happen. I don’t want you to confuse this with legalism, but rather the importance of understanding our constant need for Christ in our lives. My question for you would be, what is stopping YOU from getting together with God each day? And the question for all of us is what are we gaining by NOT spending a moment with the Lord each day?

 

You young mothers (like me) must be thinking, but how do you do it?! Well lets just say I’m not spending hours with the Lord, dissecting the bible inside out, BUT even if it happens to be a busy day my girls are running around, I can just open my Bible and read from His word a little, and other days (like today) I find myself having the opportunity to spend a couple hours reflecting on what he’s taught me, what he wants to teach me, and I get to talk to him and dig into his word… these are precious times! How cool would it be to see how weak the Devil is in our lives because we are so dependent on God’s strength. Praise GOD!!! 🙂

 

To share a little bit more about how I’m doing, these past few weeks have been a little weird as far as time goes, it feels like it’s been weeks and weeks. A few days after getting home from the hospital my sister in law Cherie Shropshire left her 2 boys in the care of family, brought her baby girl and flew up to see me. This spoke mountains of love to me, she spent the weekend with us, cleaning, washing clothes, dishes, an the most important part, just being with me… I will never forget her willingness to do anything for me, including flying from Florida to here at the drop of a hat.

I have gotten countless messages, texts, and emails from people that care for us, and honestly every single one meant so much to me, and was encouraging to me in different ways. People have sent us cards, money, a free night at a hotel, 2 beautiful necklaces in memory of my sweet baby, packages of fun and yummy things. I loved all the verses and passages of scripture people recommended for us to read, I loved how the body of Christ around the world came together to pray for us! I thought it was amazing how The Holy Spirit would put it on people’s hearts to give us a certain verse that I NEEDED, or a prayer for me specifically that pertained to fears that were beginning to creep in. I realized even more how God cares for every detail in our lives, and he uses his people to do that! The day we came home from the hospital, we didn’t want to see ANYONE!!! (other than those who went to bury Nola with us) but God put it on a staff couple’s heart to come over and pray with us, AND I loved that they called us right after we put the girls to bed and said they wanted to come pray with us and that meant so much to me. But I also loved that God didn’t overwhelm us with lots of people that day, but He did put it on this ONE couple’s heart to pray with us.

 

My emotions have gone up and down. Maybe a week after giving birth to Nola I felt very distant from the situation, like it was someone else’s story, I felt no emotions for several days… but slowly they came back which was more healthy I think. I would say I cry about once a day now, or maybe every other day. I forget what happened to us, and then all of the sudden everything will rush back and the feelings of emptiness set in, the feelings of loss, loss of knowing what the relationship with my daughter would look like, loss of a life I thought would last my life time, loss of expectation. I also cry because of the love I feel from those pouring out God’ love on us.

 

For those of you who have prayed for us and shown us love in different ways, Thank you!!!

I also praise God for how he has used our story to bless you and encourage you in your faith, I think it is absolutely incredible how God can use a painful circumstance and redeem it into something beautiful. I am so honored that he would use us… Nola to bring others closer to himself, he loved you THAT much, he loved ME that much! And just think he chose to give up HIS only son so that we could have life. To God be the glory! Don’t miss out on the chance to have life through Jesus Christ!

 

I have LOVED this Psalm these past few weeks

 

Psalm 139

 

“O LORD you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in – behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,’ even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Se if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”