Processing the last 7 weeks

I just want to share what I have been processing in my mind these past 7 weeks, where I’m at now and how God has continued to stay the same.

When we found out that our baby wasn’t alive my heart sank to a deep place, and I experienced sadness like never before, yet God reached down and pulled me out of the depths, giving me peace, and life, allowing me to experience grace, love and his power. You know how the Bible talks about “not I but Christ” ? That’s what I experienced. My state was so low and I was so weak that I felt as though I couldn’t even reach out to God, yet he reached out to me and picked me up and held me in such a deep close way. Because of who I am in Christ I can experience Him.

A couple weeks after Nola died I still got into the word every day and was desiring to hear from him… to be encouraged in the word, and I continued to read his word and talk to him daily. I had no reason to leave that behind anymore, I didn’t want to waist my life not talking to him. A couple more weeks went by…4 weeks after… 5 weeks after I wasn’t healed physically and I wasn’t getting into the word anymore. I was writing to a friend one night and at the end of the email I wrote out “I’m angry at God!” which surprised me, I hadn’t realized it until that moment the words came out on the page. I realized the reason I wasn’t looking to him anymore is because I was angry at him… and once I realized I was angry I began to process that past 6 weeks in a new light. I was grieving still but grieving more than just the death of my daughter. I had several expectations that continued to be unmet. My soul desire is to serve people, to have them in my home, to feed them, love them, and allow them to feel at home, loved and served. There were several people that came to visit us after Nola died and I wanted serve them(Cherie, mom and dad, Valerie) in this way and because I wasn’t healed I wasn’t able to, I kept thinking well next week I’ll be healed, ok.. Next week I’ll be healed… Ok I guess next week I’ll be healed, and this kept going on. I realized that I find my identity in cooking good food for people, in hosting them and serving them. I also just cook and bake to relieve stress and because I was forced to rest I was unable to do this freely, I was unable to have everyone and anyone over for a meal that I cooked for them… this has been so hard for me! I have just wanted to get out go shopping do things with friends, go on walks, or a run, walk to class…. walk to HTR (Hold The Ropes) for goodness sakes… not having to worry about the fact that walking Penny to daycare may effect me negatively.

It has been like God just keeps peeling pack the onion getting deeper and deeper into my life, into my heart… dealing with things that I didn’t even realized I had issues with. Even during all of this I just kept feeling like God was asking me to relinquish these things to him, and it wasn’t like a one time thing… this has been over and over and over. And now as I’m finally healed just in time to pack up my house and move I’m finding that I also find my identity in my things and how I decorate. I take pride that people can come in our house and feel at home because have nice decorations and a homey feel, and yet these are the things he’s asking me to get rid of. I don’t think he’s asking me to not be myself, but yet to relinquish my identity in these things to him that he may work in these areas and make me of better use to him.

In (Trials Hardships Suffering class) our teacher George Walker shared so many good verses and applied them so well to our lives. Provers 13:12 “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” I feel like this is referring to expectations not being met… over and over MY expectations are unmet. For a week I believe I was really depressed… not really sure how to move forward, stuck on the unmoved escalator as George says. Hebrews 4:15-16 “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Matthew 11:28-29 “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” I love what George said here “ When you fear… Have faith! That doesn’t mean that when there is faith there is no fear” he also said “For when I am weak, then I am strong”. Man is this true! I love that! For when I am weak I am strong, when I am weak, that is when God can be strong, and even though it’s hard and it hurts, thats actually where I want to be. And I love that fear and faith go hand in hand… just because we fear doesn’t mean that we don’t have faith. Because we are afraid, that is especially when God is asking us to step out and have faith in him. George talked about God leading us by flashlight, just a little bit at a time, and I’m actually so grateful for that… and I think he knows we can’t handle much more than that.

I love one of these last passages George brought up. When Jesus walks up to the lame man who had been that way for 35 years and he asks him “Do you want to be healed?” What kind of question is that?! And George was equating that with those of us who are stuck on the unmoving escalator, do I want to be healed? Or do I just want to sit there and sulk, and feel sorry for myself and be depressed? Luke 11:28 “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it” Instead of sulking and not moving in my Christian walk, even if that’s for a day… I must move on, take a step of faith in my faithful God and obey him… daily choose to obey my creator.

I’m feeling God is really pushing me on in maturity towards him, and that’s really just meaning a heavier reliance on him as well as understanding where my identity lies, and experiencing the stripping of my earthly identity.

Phil 1:6 “For I am confident of this very thing that he who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ”

I just want to share with you some picture over the last month… I have so appreciated those of you who have continued to pray for us as it seems to have only sunk in more by now. I’m so grateful Valerie came to be with me, she is is such a special friend to me and I’m grateful God has blessed me with her! I’m so glad my parents got to come and that my mom was able to stay for an extra week, this was such a blessing!

We will be graduating next Friday, and leaving on Sunday to go back to Florida, we will be in Florida for 2 months and then will be heading to California for 6 months, then back to Florida until mid 2015. We look forward to seeing many of you in the coming year!