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Sunday was our last day in church, I could feel the emotion as we walked in EVERYONE knowing that this was our last Sunday, everyone dreading the goodbyes, at least I felt that way…. I was dreading the goodbyes!  Our church has always felt like such a miracle from God, and it is… but it’s more than that now.  We have personal relationships with so many individuals in our church, we love and care for so many, and the thing is that it goes both ways.  So as they sent us out, prayed for us and exported us, we could sense the weight behind their support, their love, their care…. What a Blessing to have them!!  And as I look back several months I remember Auberry Community sending us out, we have strong relationships there too.  God has given us such stability and gifts in both these churches, we are being WELL. SENT!

I feel like I did pretty well at church though, I didn’t cry too much… just a little. That doesn’t mean I haven’t had my moments, I cried as we sat down to our “last dinner” with Kyle and Cherie, I started crying on my way out of the grocery store the other day.  It hits me at different moments.  Monday I had to say goodbye to Cherie, my dear, dear friend and sister…. these are hard moments.  I had to say goodbye to my new yet very close friend Krista, and I feel sad and almost angry that I didn’t get to spend more time with her, but yet soo so thankful for the time we did get.

On another note even though I am in a better place with the Lord I still am working through what it looks like to trust him again, to love him with my whole heart and listen to him closely again.  Because there is no doubt I have felt hurt and am in the midst of coming back from that.

Sunday night we spent the evening with TJ’s whole family, and it was a gift of an evening because of all the family that was gathered around us including, The Straughan family who was there visiting from Texas,  all TJ’s family members as well as the other Shropshire family.  They as family in Christ and family to us, gathered around us to pray for us, and send us out. What a blessing to have so much family that loves the Lord and stands behind us, supporting us, loving us, and praying for us as we go.  God is good.

I met TJ’s cousin (one of the people visiting from Texas) Jordan’s girlfriend Jenny for the first time, and as we were talking I got to share our story with her, which I hadn’t actually done for a while.  It was timely for me to share our story, because I was reminded of who God is, what he has done and why we are following him to Africa.  As I was sharing all that God has done and how he lead us so clearly, and answered prayers so specifically, the truth once again dawned on me that God is faithful and he never changes.  He has never left us nor has he forsaken us.  What I have perceived about him in the last few weeks is not true of him, and yet he understands and is gracious and merciful to me.  As I reflect back on our “story”  there is story after story in our own personal lives of him being faithful, answering prayer, standing close with us, leading us, protecting us, using us… being our faithful and unchanging Father.

Psalm 86:15

“But you, oh Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

This week, the week before we leave for Senegal we have not been without our difficulties… this past month or two has not been without it’s hardship.  Would it be ignorant of me to think that the enemy wouldn’t want us walking forward in the Lord’s plan?  Why would he want us following a good God?  OH no, he doesn’t… he’s trying to take us down, from miscarriage to disappointment in God, from marital arguments to baggage problems, he will do what he can.  So, can I ask you to pray with us?  Fight with us in this battle.  I believe he will give you the wisdom to pray, but pray that we will see him clearly, that he will protect and prepare those that we will one day share the gospel of truth with.

And as your praying, will you continue to pray for my heart?  I was reading our Pastor’s blog the other day and a couple things popped out at me. “for us to love others, we must be fully captured by His love.” What a good reminder!!  My God is asking me to LOVE him with the entirety of my being… I just imagine myself at his feet, laying EVERYTHING there, everything I feel, what I’m worried about, including my fears about HIM specifically… Give it to him and let him embrace me fully, accepting his love without looking back.  What does it look like for me to move forward in COMPLETE trust in him(?) … because what he has already done is complete and finished, I am his and he is mine.  So as we walk forward, and in this moment I want to be fully captured by his love, I want to be so in love with him that I make illogical decisions because I am so overwhelmed with who he is, and how he loves me…. may we all accept his love for us, let him love us, that in turn we might love others the way he designed us!

We have been in Maryland since Tuesday.  We are connecting with Mariner’s church which has been good, we speak for a few minutes at church on Sunday and then head out Tuesday.  We are thanking God for these connections!  We are soaking up this good whether these last few days and then, we’ll be off to hot Africa!!

Last Trader Joe’s Trip

Date with this silly guy

a spicy lady at this church in Maryland decided to give me her glasses :O)

a small group we got to hang out with here in Maryland

Saying goodbye to Grand-dad

Penny’s class

Penny saying goodbye to her friend Brooklyn

They spent almost every day in the pool when we stayed with our Pastor’s family

I CUT my hair!!

Breakfast with my dear friend Joyce.

Got to spend an evening with these amazing ladies and friends from Florida… It was my goodbye dinner

I feel like I have been through the wringer.  I am definitely not through processing this whole thing, but I am in a better place to be able to sit down and write.

I am gonna share with you my honest heartache and how I walked through this, whether it was right or wrong… it is what it is.

As I look back and remember the raw heartache of loosing our daughter Nola I can sense God’s presence, I can remember how he met us, how he gave us grace (hence the name Nola ‘Grace’) through every single step.  I can remember getting to know my Lord in a way I had never known him before.  In the midst of suffering the time I had with my God was sweet.  Little did I know that was the beginning of a hard and long journey.

If you have been reading you know we’ve been on a new journey since January.  God was bringing me back to health, giving me answers, burdening educated people to help me with my health AND pay for Dr. visits and supplements.  We were seeking him so desperately in this whole thing, and I can honestly say that we couldn’t have sought him more righteously.  I don’t want you to misunderstand that, we are not perfect people I know that, but as we went to the Lord before everything, he guided us, he answered us and we felt so blessed to be lead so clearly, as he has really done for us for so many years now.

When we sat in the room ready to have our 8 week ultra sound I couldn’t wait to get some more connection with this baby, the reason we were doing an early ultra sound was so that we could be assured at an early age that the baby was fine.  When the Dr. couldn’t see the heart beat, I didn’t believe it… I couldn’t believe this was happening, like literally couldn’t believe it.  I looked at TJ and said “This can’t be right!  I don’t understand!  What is God doing?!”.  We got in the car and I felt angry, really REALLY Angry.  We stopped at a thrift store on the way home to look for baggage for Africa, TJ went in the store and I sat in the car waiting for him to come back.  I began asking God legitimate questions, and using language that had never actually come out of my mouth before.  I had felt like God walked me down this path, like he lead me like a sheep to it’s slaughter.  I felt as though I had trusted him and he stabbed me in the back.  I put it all out there and, and stepped out in major faith in who he was, only to get squashed like a bug.  I felt like we were on to a new section in the journey, the section where we experience life.  I felt like I had suffered enough, and it was time for a new kind of journey, I definitely felt like I knew what was best for myself!  And within all of that I did not feel that God was with me, I did not feel like he met me there.  I feel like he did this TO me.

Okay, so as I look back I wouldn’t have done anything differently and I don’t think there was anything that I could have done to not feel surprised to loose yet another baby.  We asked God specifically if we should try for another child or more specifically “should we stop preventing?”, we prayed earnestly for a month and he gave us an answer, which was yes, a green light to ‘move forward in trusting him and his plan’, so we moved forward with that… I happened to get pregnant and the due date was Nola’s due date… we began to make assumptions that these were God’s confirmations.  Well one should not always make assumptions… we should just take God at his word, but again could I have done it any differently?  No… we were walking with him, talking with him.  You know how I shared all those things about how upset I was with God and how I felt like He had done all these things to me?  Well we are close, my God and I are close, we talk together, we walk together… we have a strong relationship.  Can I be a little childish and selfish sometimes?  Well, ya!  I’m his kid, I throw fits, I get unhappy with his decisions, but that doesn’t change how much I love him, I still know how much he loves me, and how much he cares about me.  Just because I get upset with him and not talk to him for a couple weeks doesn’t mean our relationship is over, that’s not how relationships work… you work them out!

My world was shaken, my worldview of him felt a little unsure.  God asked us to trust him in moving forward, and so we did and this is what happened… I don’t know why, but I do know that God is trustworthy and faithful.  That he has my best interest in mind.  I know that he loves me and I know he loves my children.  I know that he will use all of my experiences… all of THIS to bring himself glory and hopefully to bring other’s to himself.  I am sad for those that do not know him, or do not walk with him.  Even though this can be as hard as hell sometimes, it sure is EVERYTHING!  I am experiencing pain now, but it is only for a time.  What is the other side of no relationship with God?  More pain than I ever want to know… I don’t want that, not for anyone!  Some may feel free without God, but that’s only temporary, sin is fun and feels free, but it is all just a trap.  Walking in the truth and in the light is a narrow and sometimes quite difficult road, but this is the road I want to be on.

We are on our way to Africa, we were supposed to make the first leg of our trip on Tuesday the 18th, but now we’re not leaving Florida until the 25th.  It is hard to postpone leaving, but we know it is for the best, and will allow me more time to heal physically and in turn also heal a little more emotionally, although these things just take time.  I have told a few people I am okay with moving overseas while being sad, but I’m not okay with it if I’m not in a good place with my heavenly father, because as we make this huge transition I want to be relying on God.

This anger I was describing, it was on and off for about 2 weeks.  The 2nd week we were sure we were gonna loose the baby, and God was the last person I wanted to talk to!  Last Sunday our Pastor, Tim Merwin preached.  He just came home from his first mission’s trip, and to India!  Before he left he had been going through Psalm 23, well he didn’t get to finish… so he preached that part last Sunday.  “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff they comfort me.”  Of course everything about it was applicable to our situation, TJ and I felt like he was speaking directly to us the entire time.

After the service, he asked for anyone who was struggling to see that God was their Shepard, to come up and receive prayer… well I had been quite stubborn, and I wasn’t about to go up and ask for prayer, I was still mad at God.  I had not been praying nor was I reading my Bible, although I had asked him a few times to meet me where I was at.  As I stubbornly stood at my seat, 2 women walked up to me and began praying for me, I just began sobbing, because I knew that God was meeting me in my seat, I didn’t have to walk up to the front to meet him, he met me.  One friend was praying and said she didn’t even know what to say, she said “I’m sure that Lily has probably already prayed so much”, and I looked up and said “no I haven’t been praying at all”  And as I was looking down, I noticed the woman next to me had alligator tears falling to the ground, she knew exactly what to pray for me, which really blessed me.  Sunday was a turning point for TJ and I.  By Monday morning we were able to process through a lot, and were beginning to trust the Lord again.  If we blamelessly followed him before, we can blamelessly follow him now.  Jesus gave his all for us, he knows suffering, he knows heartache, he knows betrayal… it’s not like he doesn’t get what we were going through.  But the thing is that our God is trustworthy, he has us in the palm of his hand.  So as we walk forward, and as we begin this new Journey in Africa, we will walk hand in hand.  We can’t ignore what happened with loosing this baby, we must embrace that God had a purpose in it, and move forward trusting him to lead us just like we were before.  It sounds simple, and complicated, but it is simple and we will trust Him.

Family Ice cream Date

family ice cream date

silly faces

morning snuggles

Penny and her friend Austin

I may or may not have eaten 13 waxy donuts in 2 days

Ava holding her cousin Cicellia… she loves babies!

Thank you for praying so earnestly and for coming together with us and going to God on behalf of us, we have so many around who we mutually love and care for, TJ and I are blessed beyond measure!

I had my HCG levels checked yesterday, and they only rose to 21,000 so that was barely a rise.  That was from 19,000 the week before, it’s supposed to double every few days, so we are feeling more certain that this is going to end in miscarriage… and hopefully we will understand one day why this has happened and how it fits into God’s plan.

Based on everything God has done and how he has lead us it is difficult to make sense, but we are just finite and have limited knowledge.  As you continue to pray, please pray that if this baby is gone that he/she would pass soon.

When we arrived into this pregnancy, we walked forward in freedom trusting him, and so we’ll have to walk forward trusting him now too.

Thank you!

“How are you doing?”  is the main question… so how am I doing?  I am doing pretty good actually, as soon as I asked for prayer and shared this burden with those of you who are praying, the burden was instantly lifted off, and I felt like we were fighting this battle together rather than by myself.  TJ and I have felt like there is no need to mourn if we don’t have a reason to mourn.  We are not afraid of doing that, but nothing has proven that yet.

I have been avoiding asking God questions and yet as I sit here this morning reflecting back on what God has made clear and how he has spoken to us, I am confronted with something.  God has lead me/us on this entire journey, honestly.  He burdened people, he brought me to the right doctors, he lead us and spoke to us clearly the whole way… why would he be any different now?  Here I am “waiting”  to find out what this is, but God is just asking me to live in him daily, to trust him completely.  That’s easy to say, but if your waiting to find out whether or not the child within you is alive, and he’s asking you to put that in his hands its a tangible real trust.  I don’t necessarily enjoy this position, but I must say it is causing me to put all my hope and trust in him, and trust that he’s got this, that he is faithful and that he is not going to put me to shame… whatever the outcome is going to be his will and in time he will make himself clear.

I do not believe that we heard God wrong or misunderstood him, He gave us clear direction and we felt free in that, so I can’t help but wonder if he wants me to feel free now too, in these completely unknown days.

I am waiting to find out what my HCG levels are, and I told TJ yesterday that I was anxious to know, and he said that didn’t matter to him, he didn’t care what the levels were, he believes God is able to do great things and he will pray for that until we know different.  So I am along side my husband praying for life for this baby, that God would show himself faithful to us through this baby.

Thank you for your prayers on our behalf, you have been such an encouragement… I believe prayer is powerful and changes things!

As I write today, I am at the end of myself, but in my heart and in my vulnerability and against everything I want to do, I need to ask you for prayer.  I am calling all prayer warriors to pray for us.

By the time you are reading this it won’t be today, because I’m not gonna tell you “today”  what has happened… maybe in a week from today, maybe more… something like that.

But today June 29th I woke up this morning and took a pregnancy test, it is 2 days before I am supposed to start my cycle.  I have been experiencing some little signs of possible pregnancy and so I wanted to know.  Last night TJ and I had a fight, we don’t fight too often, but I hate it when we do, it’s awful!  Of corse the Devil was trying to steel our joy!

TJ went fishing this morning, but when he got home I made french toast.  I cut a piece of toast in the shape of a plus sign and started cooking it, he started to walk into the kitchen and I threw my hand up and said NO… GET OUT!!  I actually hit his face with my stiff arm (accident)  He looked at me wide eyed trying to understand what just happened and sat back down, I said “don’t try to make sense of me right now, just sit down!”  It finished cooking seconds later, and I threw the toast on his place… he stared at it for a minute.  Ava said “that’s a cross… why did mommy make you a cross?” And he said “Well if you look at it you can also see that it could be a plus sign” Ava: “oh”…  he came in the kitchen, I put my arms around his neck as he picked me up and hugged me for a minute, and he gave me a short but passionate kiss.  He said “God is good”

As I sat down to breakfast, I felt fear in my heart and thought “what if this doesn’t work?”  And then TJ told the girls that I was pregnant, Ava’s face lit up with excitement and Penny looked and said “Noooo… your not pregnant!”  Ava couldn’t stop talking about it for the next 15 minutes.  We got to tell Ava how God had been clear with us, and how he confirmed that He’s the one who healed my body, and that’s why we can be confident and truly excited about this baby, a true gift.  1 Peter 5:10 “And the God of grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”  (we have the verse written on our chalk board)

I looked at TJ and said I am gonna have to be in God’s word EVERY SINGLE DAY!!  I am going to have to cling to him, because where he is there is no confusion, and there is no fear!  The exciting thing is that he has already given us so much confidence in him, he as allowed us to be in a place of complete trust in him.  We have the freedom of living in what he has for us, trusting his plan… it is the best place to be!!

After breakfast we sat down on the couch to read the word and pray and thank God.  I read Psalm 29 (It’s the 29th of June)

1Ascribe to the Lord, you heavenly beings,

ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.

2Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name;

worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness.

3The voice of the Lord is over the waters;

the God of glory thunders,

the Lord thunders over the mighty waters.

4The voice of the Lord is powerful;

the voice of the Lord is majestic.

5The voice of the Lord breaks the cedars;

the Lord breaks in pieces the cedars of Lebanon.

6He makes Lebanon leap like a calf,

Sirion like a young wild ox.

7The voice of the Lord strikes

with flashes of lightning.

8The voice of the Lord shakes the desert;

the Lord shakes the Desert of Kadesh.

9The voice of the Lord twists the oaks

and strips the forests bare.

And in his temple all cry, “Glory!”

10The Lord sits enthroned over the flood;

the Lord is enthroned as King forever.

11The Lord gives strength to his people;

the Lord blesses his people with peace.

It’s the voice of the Lord that spoke to us and gave us a sign, and look at who God is here, look how powerful he is.  This was the perfect word for me this morning.  As I sat in a bit of fear, this is what I needed to hear.  My God is so big, yet so gentle, He compares to no one and yet He is so intimately involved in my life.  I don’t want to walk another day without seeking him, without being encouraged by who he is.  I don’t have to live in fear because God is on the throne, vs 11”The Lord gives strength to his people;  the Lord blesses his people with peace.

I sat down to find out the due date of this baby on baby center, I typed the date of the first day of my last period and waited for it to calculate… you know what the due date is?   Its the same exact day that Nola was due:  March 7th… I don’t even know what to say about that!

So if you are a prayer warrior of ours (or just want to pray 😉  Pray that we will find strength in the Lord, because he is the one who holds it, and pray that we will continually find peace in him as he is the one who offers it.

We just made it to 93% of our recommended support, which is so exciting.  We have been praying that God would provide 100% of our recommended support and we just keep praying that God will burden hearts for our ministry.

Well, we just sent out our first round of paper newsletters to all our supporters, which ended up being about 90 letters total.  We were trying to get out the door in time to get to the post office before it closed. It was Saturday. When we got to our local little post office, it was 15 minutes past closing time, so we had to proceed to the next post office down the road which is a little bigger.  As I walked in with my huge stack of letters a man asks me “what are all those letters for?!”  I tell him that we’re missionaries and we’re sending out newsletters, and so he asks me a few more questions seeming very interested. The lady behind me says “Amen!” and that she has 2 nieces in Africa where she supports them each $1,000 (of course TJ and I are like…. WOW!!!!), and then another guy in front of me says, he’s from teen missions and actually knows people we know.  So back to the first guy, he proceeds to tell me that God called him to start his business so that he could give away the money to missionaries, he talked about how God has really blessed it, and that his gift is giving.  I needed to talk to the teller, but TJ continued to talk with him, and here he’s saying that he is interested in partnering with us, and lives in the same town we stay in and would like to meet with us to talk more and see what God does.

Does this happen to other people?  I know that nothing has happened yet, but I just can’t help but feel like it was a supernaturally ordained meeting.  If we had made it to the other post office on time, we would not have met this man, and it’s just a good reminder that God has set apart every person HE would have on our support team.  I love it… God is so good, and kind!

And what’s with Post Offices and God ordained meetings?!  This has happened before!

My mom is here to visit this week 🙂 We are all ecstatic

You know… It’s so funny. We’ve been doing a women’s bible study through Genesis at church. It has been really good, but I haven’t been able to go for the past couple weeks, nor have I had the time to prepare or do my homework.
Well last week was the last week of the study and I was actually able to go. The study was about Joseph, Jacob’s son…
God had just been reminding me about Joseph (read last blog), and so I went ahead and read the whole story the day before our study, perfect timing! As I read the story of Joseph I felt sad because there was betrayal and heartbreak, not just once but over and over again!! His brother’s cast him out and sold him! Even though he had high integrity, he still got blamed for immorality and adultery… Potifer’s wife claimed that he was trying to sleep with her and he was put in prison. God was always faithful, he never failed to hear Joseph. He had a plan for him and for the whole world concerning him, but within that Joseph obeyed and listened to the Lord! One main thing stuck out to me from the study that we went through, when Joseph finally revealed himself to his brother’s that he was 2nd in command of all the land, he said these words to them: “what you meant for evil God meant for good”.  And what was being revealed is that if we are believers, we can say that about anything! I have 4 babies in heaven… What I thought was meant for evil, God meant for good! My perspective is beginning to shift, he did not only allow it, he meant it to be for his purposes. I don’t know that I will ever understand this on this side of eternity, but God turns all things around to glorify himself… He redeems all things.

I’m shifting subjects here:
Ava went to My inlaw’s church VBS last week, we went to the last night’s program, there were lots of people there and it was an elaborate program. We were sitting next to this lady and her kids. She saw that my daughter was about school age and asked where she was going to be going to school? I gave the classic answer 😉 and said “well… We’re moving to Africa, sooooo… She’s not going anywhere around here”. She looked at me, dropped her jaw and said “why are you moving to Africa?!!” I said “we are going to plant a church in an unreached people group”. She said “who is going to build the church? Your husband? (Pointing to him)”. I said “well it’s not so much about the building as about preaching the gospel and gathering believers together”. Throughout the program she continued to ask me little questions, and was in such awe that we were actually moving to Africa.
After the service I ran to see a long lost friend, and so she (the lady we just met) began talking to TJ, asking him Why we were going to Africa, and TJ told her why we’re going. We’re going because God told us to, and she said “like audibly? He talked to you?!” And he began to explain that he didn’t actually audibly talked to us, but it may as well have been that. God has been so abundantly clear in leading us, he began just sharing story after story of God’s leading, his clarity and guidance. He told her the story of my last blog, she was in absolute awe that we prayed and God answered us! She seemed to be a believer but maybe not necessarily experiencing him so specifically. We walked out of the building to our cars with her, and she continued to say to us, I can’t believer you guys pray to God and really answers you! My prayer for her is that she would put total faith in our God,  that he will speak to her, that he will lead her, and she will follow him.

TJ and I often take for granted what God has done and how clearly he has lead us. Every person’s walk with God is different, But I think a lot of us don’t expect God to do much either.
I have been saved since I was a young girl. I went to Bible school to learn more about Christ, and my main prayer for years and years was that God would reveal himself to me. Within a place where God’s word was being taught daily, I felt alone and helpless. God felt so far from me, so impersonal, I began to even doubt my salvation. As I look back on all of that I can see God everywhere where I thought he wasn’t! He was so close and yet I felt that he was far away. It was not until I began to face struggles and heartache that I began to see God work, it was in my hardships that he was close, it was when I experienced the deep places in my heart that he began to meet me.
So… I only share that because I don’t want you to think it has always been easy to follow God, because there are seasons,  I know that because I experience that too, So I want to challenge you; What are you expecting of God? What kind of prayers do you pray? when you pray, are you expecting him to answer you as you pray fervently for his will? Or are you settling for something less?

Even if you are in a dry season, God is there and even if you are waiting for years (like we have) for him to answer a prayer, his timing is perfect. Continue believing and trusting. He is faithful and he will always remain that way!

Girlies Enjoying a beautiful Day!

It’s been a little long since I blogged… but it’s not for a lack of God working that’s for sure.  I just need to share this story from the beginning because of how cool it has been to see God work… to see him be clear!

If you already know the first part of our story, and don’t have lots of time, then just skip to the bottom and start by the *.

October 2013 we lost our daughter Nola 20 weeks into the pregnancy.  We were a little fearful that we may loose another, but didn’t want to live there, we didn’t want to live in fear.  7 months after we lost Nola we lost another at 9 weeks, Ava named that one Star, and was devastating for me considering this was our second baby to loose.

During this time we were living in California and the time was rich and full of relationship and God showing himself faithful in providing for our ministry, and family.  We were being forced to trust him within the unknowns and what felt like the depths of sorrow.  We REALLY wanted to have a baby before we left the country in August 2015, and so we continued to plan for that.  We got pregnant again but miscarried right away in September, I only had one more month to get pregnant and have a baby before we left, so we went ahead and tried again, and got pregnant.  At this point we were traveling across the country and even if I got pregnant I didn’t expect it to stick, and unfortunately it didn’t… I lost my 4th baby October of 2014, I didn’t even have time to be excited about it, but it did send me spiraling down.

The depths of my soul were being felt.  At the same time God felt big and he felt close. Even though I didn’t understand I trusted him.  God was with us all along the way, He would give us verses to encourage us, to remind us that he was faithful yesterday, today and forever.  He never failed to communicate and show us love, and when we needed specific supernatural words he would give them to us… You can pretty much read back through my blog and see that this is true, I’m not going to go into every detail here, I just want to give you the overall picture to remind you of how faithful God is to us!

We arrived back here in Florida November 2014.  I was depressed and knew it… wanted to move forward, but wasn’t sure how to do that.  January 2015 I went to a Dr. a friend had suggested to me…  Dr. McTammany to see if I might find out why I was having so many miscarriages.  He did 12 different blood tests on me to see what might be going on.  That was more than I expected to begin with, and I thought “wow, I might have some hope here!”  Wow… little did I know what God was going to do.  I went back a few weeks later to find out about the blood tests.  Turns out I had a couple blood clotting issues.  I have one mutated MTHFR  (blood clotting) gene, and 1 mutated gene of another type of blood clotting gene.

Really Quick:

[What is the normal function of the MTHFR gene?

The MTHFR gene provides instructions for making an enzyme called methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase. This enzyme plays a role in processing amino acids, the building blocks of proteins. Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase is important for a chemical reaction involving forms of the vitamin folate (also called vitamin B9). Specifically, this enzyme converts a molecule called 5,10-methylenetetrahydrofolate to a molecule called 5-methyltetrahydrofolate. This reaction is required for the multistep process that converts the amino acid homocysteine to another amino acid, methionine. The body uses methionine to make proteins and other important compounds.]

Dr. McTammany had a few simple things I could do to get pregnant and keep my baby… large amounts Progesterone, baby aspirin, and a large amount of folic acid.  And right away we again began making plans to try for another baby, we hardly prayed or asked for advice.  I don’t know if you remember, but My friend Caryn, and my friend Joan met with me… had an intervention.  They enlightened me to what would happen if I went this route, what would happen if I took such large amounts of progesterone, and what folic acid would do to me (that’s another story, but it’s not good!), and the negative affects aspirin would have on me.  And at the same time realizing whatever physically was going on with me right now I would be passing this on to my baby.

Well… Joan let me know that God had been burdening them to pay for me to go see this Dr. Hunten in Melbourne, and burdened them to pay for all the supplements it would take to get me healthy again.  There is more to that story and what God was doing before that, like how he burdened our church one prayer night to pray for us specifically for our desire for another child (powerful night).  I didn’t want to do the supplements or go see this Dr. Hunten at first because it wasn’t in my desired timeline, but once the Lord got to me, I relinquished all my plans to him, and gave him full authority over this… I know that sounds funny, I mean… he IS God.  But when my heart is in a place to hear God THEN he is really able to work, it takes a lot of breaking down to get there, but that’s where I want to be!!  I told Joan I was 100% on board with her plan and I would do what she said.

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If you’ve been reading then you know that’s when I started the 121 days of cleansing my blood.  I started taking all the supplements right away, I called Dr Hunten and made an appointment… no openings until June 9th, I was sort of bummed, but was trusting God!  I called a couple months later and found that she had an opening May 5th, so Joan and I went.  She looked over everything, and asked me lots of questions.  I went to the appointment with great anticipation because I knew that God was a part of this, he burdened Joan, he sent me to this Dr.  He burdened hearts to pray, He was the one working.  What am I loosing by expecting great things? We serve a BIG GOD!!!

She proceeded to tell me that the supplements (mainly methylated folate) Joan was giving me should fix my MTHFR issues.  She explained why the large amounts of progesterone would have been really bad for me, and proceeded to prescribe me with 50mg of yam based bio-identical progesterone to take when we begin trying.  She explained why Folic acid made by drug companies today will actually make my specific problems 10X worse.  And she told me about Willow Bark, and how it does the same thing as aspirin, but it’s much nicer on your body.  It would thin my blood, but would be better for me.  She said that these MTHFR issues can cause you to loose babies all the way into the second trimester, however Nola died from a knot in her cord.  She said my early miscarriages were probably a combination of my blood clotting issues and low progesterone.

With the supplements I was taking, she told me that it would probably be fine if we wanted to get pregnant then, but she also wanted to do some more tests to find out a little more information.

I went home and told TJ all of this news, feeling so much more enlightened than I was before.  We began to feel free and could see the glimmer of hope to not live in fear as we try for more children in the future.  And we could see God’s faithfulness shining through all of this!  Even though she said it would probably be fine if we got pregnant, we wanted to pray and ask God what he thought.  We didn’t want to make plans, we wanted to live in the Lord and the freedom that he offers.  So we said we would set aside a month to pray, and asked others to do the same.

We started out just asking God to be clear about all this baby stuff, and then we began asking him to speak through someone, and then we began praying for a sign.  Yes we desire to have a baby, but we desire to serve God within that!  We were praying that God would let us know whether or not we should start trying (or more like stop preventing).  We did NOT want to move forward without a clear answer from him.

So we prayed hard… for a month.

I went back to see Dr. Hunten.  We looked at my levels.  My thyroid is perfect.  My blood coagulation levels are guess what?!  PERFECT!!  Those blood clotting issues?  None!  Why?  I am taking the right stuff, it is changing my life, it is changing my blood.  Not only can I move forward with a healthy pregnancy, but I know how to move forward for the rest of my life.  All of my levels are in normal range…. some were high or low within the normal, but they were normal.  You know what Dr. Hunten said to me?  She said, “Your body is ready to healthily carry a baby!”  And I had blood work to show for it.

I remember back at the beginning of this when I said, “I don’t want to go the natural route, I don’t want to do trial and error with making a baby”  And here God gives us the real proof of my blood.

That was amazing news, and I couldn’t wait to come home and tell TJ.  Even though this was amazing news, we still were waiting to hear from God, he has spoken to us clearly before and we felt that he would be faithful now as well.

When I got home, TJ and I were struggling with communicating and you know how it goes, I started crying and feeling frustrated with him, he goes to leave to get something and come back, but on his way out he sees a package to me, and hands it to me, then leaves.

I open up the package, and it’s from my dear friend Gayle in Missouri, who amazingly walked me through the death of my daughter Nola.  In it is a beautiful baby sweater, full of lots of colors.  In the note she tells me that she began making this for me when I was pregnant with Nola, and that the Lord was nudging her to finish it and send it to me.  Then she proceeded to say: this is my “word from the Lord for you”.  Okay… so now I’m really listening!  She said “I think you should name him Joseph”  She proceeded to say that She felt certain that God had more babies for us, whether that was our babies, or little African babies, someone would get use of this sweater!  And at the bottom she put a verse.

1 Peter 5:10 “And the God of grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”

I called her right away to thank her and let her know I loved the sweater.  I fed the girls lunch and then put them to bed.

I sat down on my couch and read the card over and over and looked at the sweater, and all of the sudden it hit me, that this was God’s “word” for us, this is what we were praying for.

I began to cry in pure happiness and joy in who God is and that he clearly communicates with us.  I just get home from this Dr. who said amazing things about my health and where I have come.  And I get this package in the mail, from the Lord ultimately.  And it’s like God was saying, you know how that Dr. said your body is healthy?  He says that “He Himself will restore (me) you, make (me) you Strong, firm and steadfast.”  God’s like, “ya girl, I’m the one who did that!  I’m the one who made you strong, firm, and steadfast!”

I hold the sweater in my hands, and its so colorful I began thinking of Joseph and his robe, I was thinking about his dreams and all that God promised him.  His life was hard, but God never stopped being faithful, and God was faithful to fulfill his promises, just like he does for us… and then I realized that’s why Gayle said Joseph, because of the colorful sweater!!

The sweater is like a physical reminder, something we can hold in our hands to remind us of God’s faithfulness.  I love that he gave us that!  He didn’t have to do that, but he did!  He knows we are physical people and we need physical reminders.  God is so good!

My baby sweater to remind me of God’s faithfulness and my card and word from the Lord, from my sweet friend Gayle.

TJ came home and walked in the door, he saw that I was crying and I told him I wasn’t upset, but happy and he sat down next to me, read the letter, looked at the sweater and without any words from me, he also knew in his hearts that this was from the Lord.

The thing is… we keep making plans, to either try for babies or not try for babies.  When we made a “plan” to try for a baby just a couple months ago, God kindly rerouted us to go down his path, that path has been full of freedom and is bright as day.  One of the main questions we are going to get is, what if this is hard?  What if I get pregnant while moving to another country?  Shouldn’t I “plan” better?  Well those are good questions, because they were my thoughts exactly.  A couple days after we got our “word for the Lord”  I said to TJ “Do you think it would be better for us to wait a little while for a ‘better’ time?”  And he reminded me how clear God had been, and that it is on his faithfulness that we stand, and his word that we go back to.  So as we move forward with this, God will decide when we have or do not have babies.   We will trust him within that, that he’s got this.  It doesn’t mean that it won’t be hard, it just means that we have to trust God.  We have learned through this that we want what God wants, rather than planning for what we want.

I am on day 105 of changing my blood, and it is officially changed.  Praise the Lord!

Our Church/some amazing people put on a BBQ fundraiser for us the 30th of May, and it brought in about $3,300, to go towards our Setup fund. God has been good to provide, and we are so blessed to have such an amazing church behind us. Thank you Trinity Community Church!!

My Aunt and Uncle came for a lovely for a few days last week (girls weren’t feeling good that night for some reason)

I was laying in bed looking up at the hole in the ceiling feeling overwhelmed with the weight of the world. I felt a literal pain in my chest, God why, why are putting so much on my plate?! I already felt like we had so much to do, and now we’re re-roofing the house we’re staying in, and so selfishly I’m thinking, why did we agree to do this?! It started to rain hard the other day while several men were quickly trying to cover everything up as to not get water in the house… well our bedroom ended up with drooping sheet rock and water pouring out onto our bedroom floor and whatever got in it’s way. I can’t help but feel overwhelmed by all that we need to do… and then this!! But as I lay there feeling sorry for myself, it’s like the Holy Spirit needed a quiet moment with me to remind me of a few things. Life could be so different, we may have a hole in the ceiling and a roof to put on, along with the million other things, but what I do know is that I have a faithful God that remains unchanging. I have a husband who loves me and takes care of me, I have 2 amazing daughters that I love and adore! We have clear vision and direction in life, and this business we’re about is fulfilling! So in the end it doesn’t matter what’s going on around us! In fact God gave these things for us to deal with, he meant to put them in our laps. He knows the money that we need, he is gracious, he is good, and I believe he will even comfort me along the way. God loves me and he’s with me every step of this journey!

We have been going through Esther on Sunday mornings in church, and I am loving it! It is so fun to see God prevail no matter what man’s desires are, and he uses people in the process! There was a sermon on fasting a few weeks ago, it was super challenging to me, and it went right along with something we were reading at home that had to do with praying… fasting and praying definitely go together! TJ and I were reading through Daniel together, what a cool book! We were reading through Daniel 10, just to warn you this passage has drastically changed my perspective in prayer! I want you to read some of this passage, because it is incredible!!

To set the stage, Daniel is with other men, and He begins to have a vision and the other men can’t see it, but they are frightened and run away, Daniel was freaked out too, but he knew it was for him, you think he would be used to this by now, but I’m pretty sure it was quite the ordeal every time he had a vision! Daniel was weak and trembling, and heard a man speaking to him.

Daniel 10:10-11

“And behold, a hand touched me and set me trembling on my hands and knees. And he said to me, “O Daniel, man greatly loved, understand the words that I speak to you, and stand upright, for now I have been sent to you.” And when he had spoken this word to me, I stood up trembling. Then he said to me, “Fear not, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart to understand and humbled yourself before your God, your words have been heard, and I have come because of your words. The prince of the kingdom of Persia withstood me twenty-one days, but Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, for I was left there with the kings of Persia, and came to make you understand what is to happen to your people in the latter days. For the vision is for days yet to come.”

Did you catch that? Daniel was a man of God and spent lots of time in prayer. Because he sought God and was humble before him in prayer, God answered his prayer, his prayer changed the course of history. And because of his prayer there was spiritual battles happening! This angel is talking about a battle with an enemy within the spirit world, The prince of the kingdom of Persia seems to be the enemy, anyway He needed some reinforcements, so Micheal, one of the chief princes came to help him! Why was there this specific battle? Well it seems to have something to do with Daniel a man of God going before the Lord humbly, seeking his will, being faithful to hear from him! Because of Daniel’s faithfulness in praying God does things, if you read on in Daniel you see that his prayers end up changing the course of history.

TJ and I read through this right around the same time we were talking about the importance of fasting in church, and it hit me… WOW Prayer truly changes things!! God wants us to come to him in prayer… and fasting, but fasting is a whole new level of laying aside something important to us in order to seek the Lord. A friend of ours brought up the point that when you choose to fast and pray you are asking for a spiritual battle and that is not a bad thing, you just need to be prepared and not take lightly what it means to come before God, and that you will be entering a spiritual battlefield.

Sunday a friend and I decided to fast together and pray concerning a next step in her life. We prayed for clarity, for confirmation, for vision and for passion concerning this knew direction. Sunday was sort of a difficult day for me because while I was fasting I began to develop a headache (which is not uncommon for me), so I ended up eating a small something and took ibuprofen, but continued to deny all other food and prayed and sought God on these things, my headache got worse and in the evening I ended up eating dinner because I wasn’t doing well. I am normally hard core about this stuff, but my heart was in the right place. I continued to lift up my friend and her decisions. The next day I come to find out she too developed a headache which rarely happens for her and it ended up debilitating her for the evening.

Was it the enemy? I don’t know and honestly it doesn’t REALLY matter, but we did walk into it knowing that we were inviting a spiritual battle and we were wearing our armor ready to fight. She said maybe the enemy was trying to discourage her, but she didn’t feel discouraged at all!! She felt encouraged along with lots of clarity, like her mind was opened to new things and new ideas that God wanted her to see. Was it worth fighting in the battle?! Yes!! Prayer changes the course of history!! Consider fasting and praying, but bring your armor ready to fight, and expect God to answer you, because he is faithful and I think he honors us when we come to him humble and completely ready to seek him!!

The perspective change that happened for me was that my prayers can change the course of history. Prayer isn’t just a way to talk to God, and I’m not saying I completely understand all that prayer entails, but I know a few things that it does. Prayer is a way for me to have time and fellowship with my Father, it provides a time for him to speak to me and for me to speak to him, it allows me to be in a humble place before him. Prayer helps me to love others the way God loves them. The angel said that He was there because of Daniels prayers, and because of his humble state before God. You know what? That makes me want to pray about things that are important, that makes me want to let God know what troubles me and the passions in my heart. I definitely pray differently!

Also I’m on day 56 of changing my blood

TJ was finally healed enough to go on a date!! 🙂

Penny’s favorite thing to do is play dress up!

We got to teach Sunday School on Easter Sunday!! yaaaay, so fun!!

Jesus is alive!